president obama! well, that settles it, obama will not win the 1998 presidential election. (laughter) this is "the colbert report" (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report" everybody, good to see you. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the "report." thank you for joining us. well, folks, that is the song that never ends. (laughter) folks, today is the biggest day in the history of publishing. since steve guttenberg invented the bible. (laughter) because today is the official publishing date of my new book "america again: rebecoming the greatness we never weren't." (cheers and applause) i wrote it! what! whoo! wait, wait, wait! stop, stop, stop! jimmy, jimmy, what's with the balloons? i thought we agreed we were going to drop books. (laughter) >> they would have killed you, stephen, they're too heavy. >> stephen: well, obviously we would fill them with helium! duh! (laughter) anyway, america

seen the eagle's lives. anyway, oprah! so folks, nation, was this election day looming every one is trying to read the tea leaves. except romney who as a mormon is allowed only to read the caffeine free diet coke. but that's not looking good either because obama currently leads romney by 10 points in ohio, 9 points in florida and 12 points in pennsylvania which wouldn't be a problem if between now and november 6th we can just get 290 million people to move to arkansas. (laughter) arkansas, come for the mess, stay because you traded your car for meth. but-- (applause) but, folks there is no reason to panic over these pole numbers. just ask mitt. >> i'm curious to what you would say to your supporters, your donors that might be concerned that this could be slipping away way. >> i'm very pleased with some polls, not with other polls but at this early stage polls go up and down. >> exactly, it's still early, there are 40 days left until the election amount of lot can happen in 40 days. bama could make a gaffe. mitt could win the debates. god could send a flood to destroy all mankind.

fraud center shows up at the polls in november that would tarnish the integrity of an election that the koch brothers paid good money for. that's why tonight i have two colbert voter fraud alerts. first up first up my source tell me that just six days before the election millions of americans are planning to disguise themselves as some sort of trick. that's why we need photo i.d.. how i do know she's really a sexy crayon? plus we are now more vulnerable to fraud than ever. which brings me to my second alert. nation, courts is have already struck down voter i.d. laws in wisconsin, south carolina and texas and they have done it again. >> if you are pennsylvania voter you will not have to show a photo i.d. this election. a judge ruled against the measure for now saying he didn't believe there was adequate time for voters to easily get a photo i.d. before november 6th. >> stephen: that is ridiculous. they will have their i.d.s by november 6th if they go to the dmv now. but folks, as bad as this is-- (cheers and applause) as bad as this is, there is a silver lining to this story. be

>> stephen: tonight! can prayer change this election? well, picking paul ryan was certainly a hail mary. (laughter) then, obama's making us less safe. that terrorist from "homeland" won an emmy! (laughter) and my guest, author jim holt, has written a book on why the world exists. well, when two planets love each other very much they share a special hug. (laughter) the university of tennessee frat members were caught butt-chugging wine. (laughter) that sounds like some drunk ass (bleep). (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report." it's good to have you with us! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, thank you so much for joining us. good to have you with us. folks, it is almost midnight on i don't mean yom kippur, the jewish day of atonement, filled with somer reflection and profound regret-- that i had to give my writers the day off. (laughter) come back, f

-- hundreds of millions of colors on election campaigns have the interests of the people of the world at their heart? >> jon: really, you are going to go after us with campaign-finance reform? i say to you, the world body, if mccain-feingold was not so toothless, the prevalence of super pacs-- isn't anybody going to give us the red meat rhetoric and innovative prop comedy we have come to expect from the united nations? >> this is a bomb-- (laughter) >> jon: that's what i'm talking about. >> this is a fuse. in the case of iran's nuclear plans to build a bomb, a red line should be drawn right here. (laughter) >> jon: okay, first of all, i just got to say, bebe, bubbi, what's with the wiley coyote nuclear bomb? are you really going to pretend, are you going to pretend that you don't know what a nuclear bomb looks like? you're israel. run downstairs and look in the batesment. although if that is the sort of bomb we're dealing with i think i've got a pretty easy solution to this entire iran problem. we'll be right back. 4h$h >> jon: welcome back, my guest tonight plays basketball with the

the general election creating chaos in the republican party and leave out 2016 -- oh! >> the jersey is strong in this one. >> so all these guys to have a mild familiarity with the english language and it is considered a win. can we hear from someone not affiliated with the campaigns, what their expectation might be? >> both men have a monumental undertaking for the first debate, one of them has to come off as nicer and less air began than he really is and the other has to be zero more normal and lestrange than he really is. >> jon: then how did we end up with these two idiots? look, we are not looking for coherent ideology, americans are just looking for assurance the next president isn't going to be a weirdo. who thinks she better than us. how exactly will romney counter the idea that he is awkward and not normal? >> mr. romney's team concluded the debates are about creating moments, the quick series of zingers he has memorized and has been practicing on aides since august. >> jon: they equipped him with zingers. >> and you know what? the best zingers are two ones you practice for two mont

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